I’m sitting here with all the windows open, letting in the early spring breeze, and listening to the girls playing outside. They’ve got a friend over, and the three of them are playing some sort of game that’s half The Silver Chair, half something else. They play this every time they get together.

Yesterday, we had other friends over, two little girls this time, and their mom. The girls spent the afternoon building fairy houses, and sliding and rolling down the grassy little hill in front of our house. I spent the afternoon laughing with their mother. We talked at high-speed, nonstop, for over three hours about everything under the sun. We both felt rejuvenated by the conversation and the warm air and the Just Being Together While Our Daughters Played Happily.

And I’m sitting here remembering last spring, and how it was, coming off such a hard cold winter, isolated into that little rented farmhouse, wondering why in the world we’d decided to move back East. More than half wishing we could Just Go Back. And the truth is, part of me still wants to go back. The part of me that hung out with all those poets, and knew where West was ALL THE TIME. In Colorado, I had a life separate from the homeschooling and the kids and the housework. And I’m realizing now, that I have neglected that part of me during this long, long year in which we Moved Back East.

And maybe if I stop neglecting that part of me, I won’t feel that PULL anymore. That PULL to go back to the West where I knew who I was.

Because the truth is, it’s better for us here. The girls are happy. They’ve got loads of new friends, and almost too many things to do in any given week. And RegularDad’s job is good. And yes I’m happy here, I’m making friends too. I’ve got lots of homeschoolin’ mamas to hang out with and the family and the cousins are here, and It’s ALL GOOD.

But, it’s also incomplete. In some smallish big way. I MYSELF am still not settled here.

I guess I need to work on that.



4 Responses to “Realization.”

  1. 1 Maria April 11, 2008 at 3:50 pm

    Okay. I tried to comment before on this but wordpress told me to slow down I was going to fast or something like that. HUH? Excuse me?

    The gist was this: I know where you are coming from. I’m going thru this similiar thing. Having moved to the East Coast two years ago I feel it’s really right for our family and we’re healthy/happy as a whole LOVING it here…but inside I’m, well, I don’t know…struggling. I think it’s because I’m out of my comfort zone. I’m redefining myself a bit. And that’s not fun, but it’s gotta be healthy right? I miss people who “get” me and I here I have to reestablish friendships and that’s work. Maybe I’m lazy. But in the end I think it’s healthy. Because everything else is pointing to this as being a good move.

    I hope wordpress let’s me comment now. I’m trying to go slower for it. I think you’ll get there, regularmom…it sounds like you are well on your way. Maybe it’s our age? Do you think that could be it? I don’t even know how old you are. Hmmm. Maybe I should think before I type..that’s what wordpress is trying to tell me…

  2. 2 RegularMom April 11, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Maria, thanks. I think you’ve found the right phrase for this: redefining ourselves.

    And it’s good to know I’m not the only one out there thinking this way. I think it’ll take a few more years for me to really feel established here. And I’m fine with that. Impatient,sometimes, but fine with it just the same.

    Thanks. 🙂

  3. 3 Mom #1 April 13, 2008 at 5:40 pm

    Oh, my goodness, Regularmom. You are so speaking the truth right now. I think all of us Moms feel that way at some season in our lives.

    We do so much for our kids and it’s so EASY just to forget that not only the Mom in us, but the PEOPLE inside of us have needs.

    It’s very important not to neglect who we are as people: the person who attracted our spouses to us in the first place; the person who will keep your children in love with you even after they don’t depend on you for their financial and everyday support; the person who keeps us readers coming back for more of your wit and humor on a regular basis.

    It’s the mom trap so many of us are guilty of falling into.

    Just don’t neglect yourself. If you fill yourself up with joy, happiness, and self worth, it will overflow into the rest of the areas of your life. You’ll be a better and happier wife, lover and mother – and who doesn’t want to be a better lover. Oh, shoot, I think my comment just ran off into the ditch.

    I guess that’s my cue to bow out now, but you know what I mean.

  4. 4 Sara April 17, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    Just echoing what the others have said. The mom trap is insidious, and we all have to work at finding the time and place to also be ourselves, without kids. I’m sure you’ll find that spot for yourself, Back East.

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