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Best fortune EVER.

RegularDad picked up Chinese food on the way home from work tonight, because he wanted to eat, and according to my calendar, the only way I could have made it home from both an afternoon tea party followed by a mad dash across county lines to the gym for swim lessons in time to cook a meal tonight would have been something even Einstein would have had trouble figuring out.

So – Chinese food it was.

Good deal.

Have you noticed that Chinese places aren’t giving out the right number of fortune cookies anymore? Like, they always seem to give you one LESS than the total number of people you’ll be feeding in front of the TV later on? What’s THAT all about?

Anyway.

Tonight, with a mere three fortune cookies on the table, we gave one to each child, and then RegularDad gave me the third and final cookie. (Because he’s sweet like that.)

“I’ll split it with you,” I told him.

“Okay. I’ll take the cookie half. You take the fortune half.”

“Deal.”

And here’s what my fortune said. Word for word:

Silence is a virtual. Especially
Dinner time, from telemarketers.

So, there you have it. Wise words from some automated fortune cookie writing software that’s apparently come down with something. Not that I didn’t get anything out of it, mind you. From now on, when the kids start acting up, I’ll be able to say to them: Now, now, girls. Don’t forget. Silence is a VIRTUAL.

Eh, maybe I should have held out for the cookie half.

Beware the angry bird watcher.

Well, someone was in a mood. Someone typed this happy little search string into Google one day last week, and ended up here at my little corner of the blogosphere:

fucking picturee of a damn cardinal

And I just gotta say: Dude. That is some seriously angry Googling.

I’m trying to imagine what it would take to make a person type that into Google just like that. What was it? Some sort of group science project? Some sort of group presentation on the cardinal, and this kid’s job was to Get The Pictures? And he never did it? And his classmates were all like: Dude… did you get the pictures of the cardinal yet? We totally NEED those pictures. This report is gonna suck ass if you don’t get online and get the goddam pictures already!

Did it go on like that for days upon days upon days until the kid finally screamed ALL RIGHT ALREADY! I SAID I’D GET THE PICTURES AND I’LL GET THE DAMN PICTURES!!!!! And then he sat down at his computer and typed in “fucking picturee of a damn cardinal”? (That extra “e” on picture just shows how hard he must have punched the keyboard. That dude was pissed.)

Or was it that just searching for the word cardinal didn’t bring up any good looking birds? Or are cardinals just irritating in general? Did a cardinal flitter by this dude’s window and… well… flip him the bird (I know, I’m sorry) or maybe a cardinal crapped on his windshield, or his head, or WHAT?

Here, look at this picture, and tell me:

cardinal

how does it make you feel? Are you experiencing any feelings of rage or anxiety? No? Are you sure? Because, just look at that son-of-a-bitch. He is totally getting ready to piss you off. That bird is Out To Get You. Just keep your hat on and back away nice and slow.

Fucking cardinals. Always sitting in trees…twittering… and looking so …red.

I’m so mad right now, I could just Google.

What’s in the pipe, Santa?

And whatever it is, can I get a little of that in MY stocking?

Merry Christmas to all of you. Hope you got something good.

A mother’s day gift.

Hope your kids got it together to give you something wonderful today.

 

It’s a household name.


Your Slogan Should Be


Once you go RegularMom, you’ll never go back.

Just in case you’d completely run out of things to worry about.

Because it COULD happen. You could be sitting there without a care in the world. It could be that your kids are top models who just got free rides to Harvard. At the age of 10. You could have just hit the lottery and had just finished shopping around for your new housekeeper, chef, and Lamborgini before you decided to stop by my little corner of the blogosphere to see what’s up here today. Yep, you could be that one person who’s currently Not Worried About A Single Damn Thing.

And then you came here. And watched this video.

And now you’re worrying again. You are. I know you are. Don’t even try to tell me you’re not worrying right now.

You don’t need to thank me. It’s all part of the friendly service we provide.

Good news! RegularDad’s found a new band.

The audition process was arduous and stressful, believe me. But they just called and said he’s in. They’ll be taking it on the road just as soon as Fozzie brings back the tour bus.


About RegularMom

I don't have time to write this blog. You don't have time to read this blog. Let's do it anyway.

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